What Name Should You Not Name Your Kid?

By: Zoe Samuel
Estimated Completion Time
4 min
What Name Should You Not Name Your Kid?
Image: Image taken by Mayte Torres / Moment / Getty Images

About This Quiz

"A rose by any other name would smell as sweet," or so goes the line from Shakespeare's "Romeo and Juliet." Names are loaded with meaning, cultural, religious or otherwise, and what one is named is something that follows one for the full length of one's life. Some cultures name children for a parent or grandparent. Other cultures only name children for deceased relatives. Some cultures name children for which number they are in the order of the brood of which they are a part, as in the ancient Roman names like Septimus (for seventh child). Some cultures use middle names to load more meaning into the identity of a child, while others will double-barrel their last name to include both parents, allowing the child to lay claim to identity with both sides of their lineage.

And then there are people who name their kids silly things. Parents in the 1980s with the surname Snow might have thought Jon was an innocuous name for their sons, but since "Game of Thrones" left its cultural mark, Jon Snow is a name that will elicit some laughter. Sometimes people deliberately name their children for some cultural icon, and that too can be a mistake. Fear not. We have a few short questions for you, after which we will be able to tell you what you should not, under any circumstances, name your child.

What stands out to you as your favorite childhood activity?
Saturday morning cartoons
Bedtime stories
Hanging out with my school team
Visiting my grandparents

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What gets you into an argument on someone else's Facebook wall?
My favorite shows
I'm not on Facebook.
Politics
I don't argue, I make reasonable statements. Other people argue.

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What do you remember about your childhood bullies?
They would physically bully me.
They would mess with my books.
They wanted to be like me but couldn't muster the words to express that.
They didn't like that I was doing my own thing.

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What was your academic weakness as a kid?
Languages
Science
Math
History

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What did you want the most out of your time in high school?
To produce some cool creative work
To get into a great college
To become one of the cool kids
To blossom into my true self

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What childhood fear continued to drive you as an adult?
Powerlessness
Being called unintelligent
Being excluded
Being hurtful

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How would you describe your religious life?
Nonexistent
I read religious texts.
I go for major holidays.
I'm more spiritual than "religious."

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What's your view on popular culture?
It's totally awesome!
I don't care about it.
It's pretty important to me.
I don't pay attention to most of it.

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Which of these best describes your overall taste in food?
Fast
Rich
Spicy
Vegan

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What do you look for when you are shopping for household products?
Cheapness
Effectiveness
Popularity
Environmental friendliness

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What do you think of organized sports?
They're OK.
I don't.
They're the best!
Sports just reinforce the "us versus them" mentality.

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Who do you turn to as a spiritual guide?
Obi-wan Kenobi
John the Baptist
James Dean
Jerry Garcia

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What do you define as the activity emblematic of sophistication?
Having read all the books on which "Game of Thrones" is based
Literacy in a classical language
Cutting edge taste, but knowing the old fashioned ones
Knowing how to live in a way that doesn't hurt nature

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What kind of career would you hope your child would have?
One that confers power
A respectable one
A fun one
A moral one

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What do you see as the greatest existential threat faced by mankind?
Falling space debris
Ignorance
I can't decide.
Climate change

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In what hobby do you hope to get your child involved?
Martial arts
Reading novels
Sports
Gardening

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What habit or activity of your child is your main priority as a parent, other than school achievements?
Get involved in pop culture
Learn to love learning for pleasure
Learn social intelligence
Learn to avoid chemicals

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How do you deal with disappointment?
I blow off steam by playing video games.
I bury myself in work.
I hang out with my friends.
I meditate.

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Of what were your parents proud?
My attitude
My IQ
My trophies
My gratitude

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How many children do you plan on having?
2
4+
3
1

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What will you do to try to set your child up for success?
Get them to pay attention to the things that matter to them
Make them well read and impressive
Make them aspirational and attractive
Introduce them to people who will hand them what they need

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Where do you plan to raise your child?
The suburbs
In a college town
In a world capital
In a commune

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How will you decorate your child's room?
With cartoon images
With bookshelves and a desk for writing
With sports and workout equipment
With sculptural furniture that looks like a tree

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What kind of gift will you get for your child when they get older?
A Netflix ID on my account
The complete works of William Shakespeare
A sweet baseball glove
A crystal necklace to protect them from evil energies

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What summer plans do you have for your family?
Go to Six Flags
Travel in Europe
Go to a training camp
Go camping

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What kind of high culture do you like to consume?
HBO
Talks given by authors of important literature
Bands that will be the next big thing, in my opinion
Oh, I'm not into that at all.

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What kind of music do you listen to when you're behind the wheel?
Soundtracks
Sergei Rachmaninoff
Top 40
Crosby Stills and Nash

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What do you look for in clothing when you go shopping?
Tactical looking clothing
Price and durability
Fashion and fit
First, I want it to be fair trade. Second, it needs to be non-synthetic. Third, it needs to be organic and sustainable. Fourth ...

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Which of the following career paths would disappoint you in the event your child pursues it?
Athlete
Artist
Actuary
Banker

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How likely is it your child will be planned?
Pretty likely
Totally likely
Not very likely
Unlikely

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You Got: