Is Your Boyfriend Holding You Back?
By: Zoe Samuel
Estimated Completion Time 7 min
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Image: Jacobs Stock Photography/Photodisc/Getty Images
About This Quiz
It's a very popular idea these days that modern relationships are some sort of ticking timebomb that invariably ends up exploding and leading to divorce or perpetual dissatisfaction. However, the reality is quite the opposite: Many relationships are better than they've ever been. This is because equal relationships between two strong partners are finally considered the gold standard. Two people with their own dreams and potential decide to take on the world together, knowing that they are each more likely to win because they have one another. They want their partner to be as free, as strong and as ambitious as their nature will permit, because that's great news for the team.
Of course, not everyone works this way, maybe because their personality requires them to be the center of attention, maybe because they don't think one relationship can sustain two sets of dreams, or maybe because they were raised to buy into a system where the boyfriend gets to demand that his other half's preferences make way for his own. Are you with a guy like that? If so, it's best to find out now, so that you can make an informed choice. Perhaps you're cool with a division of labor that means some parts of you will be held back, because there will be plenty of compensations. Perhaps you think you've got a supportive partner on your hands and you want to make sure. Fortunately, we've got the information you need. It's time to find out whether your boyfriend is holding it back!
START QUIZ
When something big happens (good or bad) is he the first person you want to tell?
Sure, after my mom. And my BFF.
No, sometimes he doesn't quite understand why I'm reacting strongly.
Would he mind if you earned more than him?
He genuinely wouldn't care as long as we were doing OK together.
He'd be thrilled, that's basically free money for him.
He might worry that I would care.
He would be concerned, yes.
Do you know his number one insecurity?
Yes, but I never mention it unless he does.
Yes, but I never bring it up.
Does he listen when you talk about your day?
Yes, he makes a point of putting his phone away then asking questions.
He listens but he doesn't always retain.
He listens while he scrolls Twitter.
No, but his day is sometimes so much more intense, you know?
Has he ever told you to change your hair?
No, why would he do that?
He hasn't, but he gets excited when I do.
He has given solicited advice on the subject.
How often does he offer you an unsolicited compliment?
All the time, and they're very specific, for example he'll notice my eyes in particular light.
All the time, but they are fairly generic "You look sexy" type comments.
Every so often, but mostly I have to ask.
He doesn't really work that way.
Does he brag about you to other people?
Yes, constantly, sometimes to an embarrassing degree.
Sometimes he tells people I'm beautiful.
When he brags about you, what does he mention most?
Achievements and sense of humor
Does it bother him that you're smarter than him in some ways?
He pretends not, but yeah.
No, because I would never let him realize.
Did he just expect you to take his name if you marry?
No, he said he didn't care and would stand up for me to any complainers if I didn't do it.
He said he would be happy if I did, but it's my decision.
He didn't bring it up either way.
Does he have any genuinely platonic female friends?
Yes but they are mostly mutual friends.
No, men and women can't be just friends that way.
Does he have any female role models who aren't his mother or you?
Yes, quite a few professional ones as well as leaders he admires.
Not that I have heard him mention
Can he be a little standoffish around gay guys?
No, he is an ally and more than one gay man has commented that he doesn't have that problem.
I don't think so - he has gay friends and they hug like any friend.
He has gay friends but I don't think they hug.
Does he self-describe as a feminist?
No but he says he is an egalitarian.
No, he thinks it's a bad word.
If you have a big deadline, does he offer to step up and handle errands and domestic tasks for you?
Of course, he's my partner.
He doesn't offer unprompted, but if I ask he will do anything like that.
He does those things if asked, but he is a little grudging.
He's not that kind of boyfriend.
Does he use you as a sounding board for his own work?
All the time. That's part of why he's with me, after all!
Yes, if he thinks it's in my wheelhouse.
No, my job is to provide more practical and emotional support.
Does he talk about your individual long-term goals at least as often as your shared goals?
Yes, he wants my dreams as strongly as his own dreams, or our dreams.
I think so, though not as often as his own, which is fair.
I don't have any goals that are not fully shared ones.
Has he ever helped you acquire a new skill or qualification?
Yes, he encouraged me to go back to school, and also taught me some things.
He encouraged me to take a class.
Not really, we don't do that kind of caretaking.
Yes! I learned to cook better to impress him.
Does he run interference with people in your life who put you down?
Yes, but not if I signal him that I don't need it in that moment.
Yes, nobody would dare do so in his presence.
He certainly reassures me after the fact.
It depends what they say.
How does he handle it if you put yourself down?
He doesn't invalidate my feelings, but won't enable them either.
He reminds me it's not wise to do that to myself.
He disagrees and tells me actually I am smart/beautiful/etc.
It depends whether he agrees with what I said.
Has he ever talked down to you about a field in which you both know you're better informed than he is?
Nope, he doesn't talk down no matter what.
Only when he didn't know I was better informed.
A few times, if he's just recently read something about it.
I don't think there is such a field.
Can he respectfully disagree with you on subjects where disagreement is possible?
Usually, though sometimes his feelings run away with him
Mostly, but there are topics we just don't touch now!
Has he ever seen you though an illness?
Yes, he was my rock the whole time.
Sure, he handled it well.
He made sure I had people to take care of me.
If you say you need something, how soon does he start trying to get it for you?
Instantly. He trusts my judgment that if I say I need it, I need it.
As soon as he grasps why I need it, or I ask.
As soon as I ask him to get it
Immediately if it's something he agrees I should have, otherwise never
How good is he at giving you presents specifically tailored to you as an individual?
He's excellent because he asks me what I need often enough to have not just a me-specific idea, but a time-specific idea.
He's great! He knows what I like.
He tends to ask my friends, which works.
He sometimes defaults to gifts like flowers, lingerie etc.
Does he speak respectfully about his exes (where they warrant it)?
Yes, though I don't always agree that he should.
We don't really talk about them
No - but in his defense, they sound awful.
Does he treat his mother as equal to his father?
I think so, though sometimes a stereotype slips in.
He's not close enough for me to say.
He loves her, but no, his father is the boss in his mind.
Have you ever seen him hire a woman for a senior role or recommend one for such (or if that's not in his power, at least explicitly root for one)?
Yes, if it was a "girly" role like operations or HR.
I don't know enough about his work to say.
Does he get mad when he sees casual sexism on TV?
Yes, sometimes he parses out such things before I do.
No, but only because he doesn't always see it until I point it out.
No - he finds it a bit annoying when I point it out.
Would he move for you if you got your dream job?
He would offer to break up with me so I could be free to go
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